Illustration by Laurie Lail
Laurie
Lail
Xiao-Xing looked up from the
faucet into the long bathroom mirror. Mary Lynn’s words burned at her temples.
“I’m telling you. You don’t really belong to your parents. You don’t look
nothin’ like’em. Their white, like me; you’re Chinese looking.” Mary Lynn put
her finger at the corners of her eyes and stretched them into slits.
Bella was standing beside
Xiao-Xing drying her hands and told Mary Lynn,
“Mrs. Jenkins said you’re not supposed to do that; it’s bullying.”
Mary Lynn dropped her hands
from her face, adjusted the strap of her
pink purse over her shoulder, and told Bella, “Mrs. Jenkins said you’re
supposed to mind your own business.”
The other girls in the
bathroom became quiet, and slowly washed and dried their hands, only taking
quick glances at Xiao-Xing in the mirror. It’s what they always did when Mary
Lynn started. Xiao-Xing looked them over in
the mirror to see if one of them could meet her eyes and hold it, but none did,
and so she met her own eyes.
Her father had told her to
tell Mary Lynn that her eyes were like lotus petals; that they were graceful
and beautiful. Her father told her that he thought she had the beautiful eyes
of anyone’s he’d ever seen, and that she should be proud of them. She was; she
just wished Mary Lynn could see it.
On the first day of class,
Mary Lynn had stood in front of Xiao-Xing and said, “What’s your name? Zow-Zing? It sounds like the name of a bug spray.
Sarah was the only other girl
in the first grade that looked like Xiao-Xing,
but so did Sarah’s mom. Their eyes match. Sarah also knows what to say to Mary
Lynn when she starts. When Mary Lynn had said to Sarah, “Hey China girl,
where’s your kimono?” Sarah rolled her eyes, popped her hands on her hip, and
said, “First of all, I’m not Chinese. I’m an American of Korean decent, and
kimonos are Japanese. You need a trip to the library.”
Xiao-Xing squirted soap I her
hands. I’m going to tell Daddy to get me a book about being Chinese.
Finally, Chandira stood next
to Xiao-Xing, looked in the mirror and held Xiao-Xing’s gaze as she tossed her
paper towel in the trash and said, “Ignore her.”
Xiao-Xing watched in the
mirror as Chandira’s hair swish when she turned to step from the bathroom.
Xiao-Xing took a piece of
stiff tan paper from the towel dispenser. She dried her hands and looked across
the mirror at the reflection of Mary Lynn. Mary Lynn was running her fingers
through the ends of her thin blond hair. Mary Lynn caught Xiao-Xing looking in
the mirror and smiled that stupid smile of hers.
Xiao-Xing thought of how sick
her Daddy had been, and she wanted to tell him she stood up to Mary Lynn.
Xiao-Xing could feel heat in her chest rising as she forced herself to face
Mary Lynn as she said, “They went a really long way and got me on purpose. I
belong to my mom and dad as much as you belong to yours.”
Mary Lynn folded her arms and
said, “No, you don’t. I look just like my mom. I even look more like your
mom than you do.”
“When my mom comes to get me
today, you can ask her if I belong or not.”
“She has to say ‘Yes’ because
of the parent police.” Mary Lynn pulled her Hello Kitty lip balm out of her
purse and waved it as she spoke. “It’s because of that thing in the bible,
‘What you reap, so shall you so.” A Sunday school teacher at the bible school
said it’s a law about how you treat people.” Mary Lynn smeared on some lip
balm. “Your parents only got you to get into heaven.”
A few more girls scurried
from the bathroom as a few more stepped up to the long sink and quickly began
washing their hands. Mary Lynn popped the lip balm into the purse she carries
everywhere and stepped over to the towel dispenser. She twisted the knob and
tore off a square and whispered in a secretive tone. “If parents don’t act like
they love their kids, then the so shall service people are called, and
then they tell the police, and then the police put the parents in jail.”
Mary Lynn threw the piece of
paper towel into the garbage and walked back toward the sinks to look in the
mirror again and fix her barrettes. Xiao-Xing noticed her orange glitter nail
polish was chipped as Mary Lynn smiled and said, “You didn’t grow in your mom’s
belly. They ordered you off the computer. You said so yourself.”
Xiao-Xing could feel her eyes
starting to sting. “You don’t know. You can’t even spell bicycle!” Xiao-Xing
turned and ran from the bathroom and toward Mrs. Jenkins’s class.
Mrs. Jenkins stopped her. “We
don’t run in the halls Xiao-Xing.”
Xiao-Xing bowed her head, and
a tear fell on one of her purple suede shoes with the flower snap on the strap,
and it made a black dot. Mrs. Jenkins lifted Xiao-Xing’s chin and said, “What’s
wrong?”
Xiao-Xing could fill the
wetness on her face and caught enough breath to say, “Mary Lynn says I didn’t
grow in my mom’s belly, and I’m not hers, cause I was ordered from the
computer.”
“Xiao-Xing, you know better.”
Mrs. Jenkins took Xiao-Xing’s
hand and led her to the teacher’s desk and pulled a tissue from the box, and
handed it to Xiao-Xing. “Sit in my chair until you feel better.”
Xiao-Xing knew Mary Lynn was
wrong about her parents, but all she could think about were the lack of baby
pictures in her home. There were only pictures from when she was older, and
there were no pictures of people who looked like her, except one of her mom’s
friends from college. Emma Watson’s mom has books and books of Emma’s baby
pictures. One has butterflies pasted around it, and the words Precious Girl
written on the front. Inside, the pictures are surrounded with little glittery
cutouts of baby shoes, and bottles, and rattles. There is even a baby picture
of Emma in the sink getting a bath. It’s framed in polka dot paper and has
little rubber ducks, and glittery words that say Splish-Splash I Was Taking a
Bath. My parents only have one baby picture of me. It isn’t even in color. The
parent’s police tell them they better get some more pictures or they’d be in
trouble. Xiao-Xing began to sob.
Mrs. Jenkins touched the arm
of teacher’s aide, Miss Everett, and Miss Everett nodded. Mrs. Jenkins leaned
close to Xiao-Xing and said, “Miss Everett will take you to call your mom.”
Miss Everett’s hand felt
warm, and when they stepped into the hall, Miss Everett bent down to Xiao-Xing
and said, “Okay, spill it.”
“Mary Lynn doesn’t think I
belong because I’m not from this country.”
“The only people who are
actually from this country are Native Americans. Don’t you remember Mrs.
Jenkins lessons on that? Mary Lynn’s people are from Europe. My people were
brought over to be slaves. So here we all are, together, everybody with as much
right as the next. Who do you want to believe?”
“You. I just wish Mary Lynn
understood.”
“You’re not responsible for
what anybody thinks but you.”
Xiao-Xing sat in the big
wooden chair in the office and tried to think about the women in Star Wars.
Her dad had watched all the movies with her. Everything about Star Wars
is wonderful. Everyone looked different from everyone else, and it was okay.
Women are strong and fight evil, even blue women. Her most very favorite was
Queen Amidala. She reminded Xiao-Xing of the pictures with the gold
frames that her mother has on the walls of the little room she calls the foyer.
They’re the first thing Xiao-Xing sees when she comes home. The woman in the
pictures have beautiful colorful robes, and black hair twisted into wild shapes
just like Queen Amidala, and their eyes are like Xiao-Xing’s, like lotus
petals, and one of the women has a long sword, like Jedi warriors.
Xiao-Xing heard the lady at
the desk talk into the phone. “Mrs. Daniels, we have Xiao-Xing here, and she’s
very upset. You want to talk to her … Yep, that’s it. I don’t what we’re going
to do about this…alright.” The lady motioned for Xiao-Xing to round the desk,
and she handed her the receiver.
Xiao-Xing’s mother’s voice
sounded tired. “Okay honey, what happened?”
“It’s Mary Lynn, she says
that if I didn’t grow in your belly then I don’t belong to you. Did you know
you’re being watched by the parent police?”
“Good lord.”
Xiao-Xing turned her back to
the lady at the desk, who smiling and shaking her head. She always listened when
Xiao-Xing talked to her mom.
Her mother’s voice didn’t
sound as patient as she’d of liked. “Xiao-Xing, we’ve talked about this. I want
you to go back to class and ignore that Mary Lynn. I’ve told you, this is fun
for her because she gets to you.”
“Why don’t you tell her mom?
It wasn’t just my eyes this time, and you know she makes fun of my name too.”
“Xiao-Xing, your name is
special, and your eyes are lovely. They are absolutely lovely. I’ve told you
this a hundred times. Daddy and I love you, you are our daughter, and what a six-year-old
girl says, or anybody else says, cannot change that. Now, go back to class, and
we’ll talk later.”
Xiao-Xing handed the nosy
office lady the phone. Her mom had been acting different ever since her dad started
going to the doctor’s for something called chemo. When her dad was sleeping her
mom was spending a lot of time in her studio to sketch and paint, wanting to
close the door and always telling Xiao-Xing to go find something to do. She
hadn’t wanted Xiao-Xing to watch Star Wars movies because her mom said
she was too young, but ever since her dad got sick, her mom let them watch them
together. Revenge of the Sith was her favorite.
Miss Everett came back to the
office and took Xiao-Xing’s hand and walked her back to class. As they crossed
the big corridor Miss Everett’s shoes made clicking sounds that echoed. Mrs.
Long, the guidance counselor, was walking Mary Lynn toward the office. As they
passed, Mary Lynn didn’t look at Xiao-Xing. Miss Everett pulled Xiao-Xing
along, but Xiao-Xing looked back at Mary Lynn once more. Good, she’s finally
in trouble for her big fat know-it- all mouth.
Mrs. Jenkins handed Xiao-Xing
a worksheet and told to her to do the problems inside the shapes, find the
color for the number in the key, and then color the shapes. Xiao-Xing took the
sheet, sat at her desk and worked the first problem. 5+5=10, and 10 is blue.
Xiao-Xing saw that the worksheet read Quack- Quack at the top; it’s
going to be a duck. She pulled out her crayons from the back of her desk. I
need to master the powers of the force, like the Jedi women, and stop Mary
Lynn’s mouth. 6+2=8, yellow. I’ll use my powers of the force and send
the So Shall Service people to her house. 7+3=10, blue.
Xiao-Xing looked out the
window at the swings. She could feel the force. She pictured the parent police
on their way to Mary Lynn’s house. A Jedi's strength flows from the Force.
Feel the force. One policewoman says to the other, “It’s bad. So Shall Services
said there is not one baby picture in that house. And they say mean things, and
her hair’s too blonde.” Xiao-Xing laughed out loud.
“Xiao-Xing” Mrs. Jenkins
said, “Let’s focus on our work.”
Xiao-Xing’s mother picked her
up from school, and as she plopped in her booster seat. Her mother smiled at
her and said, “Feeling better?”
Xiao-Xing liked that her
mother was smiling and nodded.
“Good. And you know we love
you?”
Xiao-Xing nodded again.
Xiao-Xing knew why there was only one baby picture. Her mother had explained it
to her more than once. Her parents had had to wait a whole year before they
could go and get her, so they only had the one baby picture that the orphanage
had sent. Her mother stopped the car at a red light and looked back at
Xiao-Xing in the rearview mirror. “You know why we call you Xiao-Xing, but if
you want, we can call you by your middle name, Grace.”
Xiao-Xing shook her head, and
said, “It’s too late now. Everybody knows my name.”
Xiao-Xing didn’t really want
to give up her name. I want stupid Mary Lynn to know how special it is. Xiao-Xing
had been told that she was found on a bench in a park near the orphanage with a
note pinned to her asking that she be called Xiao-Xing. It means “morning
star.” It was the only thing she had from the mother who grew her.
Her mother looked into the
rearview mirror and smiled. “We’re going to pick up Daddy. It took a little
longer today. The doctor wanted to check his blood. Aunt Katie is with him, and
you’re having a pajama party with her tonight.”
Xiao-Xing knew this meant her
dad had had chemo. He looked a lot like Hans Solo in A New Hope, but now
he was thinner.
They pulled into a hospital
parking space. Xiao-Xing reached from her car seat and grabbed the driver’s
side headrest and pulled herself up for a better view. “Mom, there he his; honk
the horn and wave.” Xiao-Xing released the headrest as her father and the Katie
walked arm in arm under the awning and became easier to view. Her dad was holding
onto Aunt Katie, and he stumbled a little and Katie had to grab him.
“Dad,” Xiao-Xing called from
the car.
“Xiao-Xing, no. Just be
quiet,” her mother snapped. Xiao-Xing noticed her mother hadn’t turned off the
car and was grabbing the steering wheel really tight. Xiao-Xing saw her
mother’s eyes in the rear view mirror. She had puddles in them.
“Mom? What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to
bark. Use your inside voice, remember?”
Xiao-Xing watched as her
mother bowed her head and brought the bottom of her shirt to her face, dabbed
her eyes, and said, “You know what honey? I should pull the car around and pick
them up. Get back in your booster seat.”
Xiao-Xing felt scared. Her
mother was still wiping at tears with her hands, and when her mother saw
Xiao-Xing looking, she turned the rear view down. Xiao-Xing saw Aunt Katie put
her left arm around her daddy’s waist, and he gave Katie a slight smile, as she
took her right hand and held his. Xiao-Xing wanted to call out to her father
and Katie to come help her mom, but couldn’t do it with her inside voice.
When they arrived home,
Xiao-Xing’s mother told her to go to the living room with Katie, and her mom
began getting the ice water and crackers for her dad like always. Xiao-Xing
wanted her dad to sit with her and ask her about school, but she knew she was
to leave him alone for a few days. She found The Empire Strikes Back and
put it in the CD player.
Xiao-Xing curled into Katie
during the part of the movie where Darth Vader is dying and he asks Luke to,
“help me take this mask off” so that Vader could see Luke “just for once” with
his own eyes, the phone rang and made Xiao-Xing jump. She heard her mother’s
muffled voice. She heard her father begin the vomiting.
Xiao-Xing’s mother came from
the bedroom, and her mom’s eyes looked weak and weird as she said, “Katie, I
think you two should go have pizza, it’s about supper time. Xiao-Xing, honey,
go get what you want to wear tomorrow and the next day.
Xiao-Xing said, “I’m staying
two nights? Let me stay with Daddy. I can take care of Daddy.”
Her mother smiled, but her
eyes looked like they wanted to cry, and she said, “Daddy just need some rest,
and so do I. You’ll have fun with Aunt Katie, and maybe Daddy can call you
before bedtime.”
Xiao-Xing liked Aunt Katie.
Katie called her Xingy-pop, and played her music really loud, and they would
dance until the lady down stairs banged on her ceiling, but Xiao-Xing didn’t
want to leave. She wanted her dad to snuggle her and listen to her read some of
her books.
Her mother bent down and
kissed her forehead, and said, “Go have some fun.”
Aunt Katie took her for pizza
in a restaurant where there were lots of swirly designs on the walls. Xiao-Xing
didn’t feel hungry. Her stomach felt like were gerbils wrestling inside. The
pizza came, and Katie said, “Hey Xingy-pop, check this guy out.” The server had
a black shirt, nose ring and spiky hair. Xiao-Xing looked back at Katie, and
Katie nodded her head towards his forearm. There it was, a tattoo of Yoda, the
Jedi master. “Yoda,” whispered Xiao-Xing. The server smiled and said, “Oh yeah.
It’s all about the force. It’s with you, you know?”
It’s a sign from the confederation. They
sent him. They’re with me. I am protected.
It was fun at Aunt Katie’s,
like always, but Xiao-Xing kept thinking of her dad vomiting and her mother
crying. Katie asked her about school, and Xiao-Xing told her about Mary Lynn,
and how she makes fun of her name. Aunt Katie told her, “Xingy-Pop, you’ve got
the best name. It doesn’t sound like bug spray. It sounds like the final touch
to a magic spell. Like, I wish Mary Lynn would stop saying mean stuff.
Then you wave your hands and say, Xiao-Xing! And the spell is cast; Mary
Lynn isn’t able to say mean things anymore without feeling bad later.”
Xiao-Xing laughed. She knew
it wasn’t true, but it was fun to think about. Then she asked her aunt, “When
is Daddy going to be better?”
“I don’t know, Xingy-Pop. We
just have to be patient and supportive.”
“My mom cried in the car. Is
she sick too?”
“No, she just feels bad for
your dad because she loves him.”
Aunt Katie didn’t drive
through the drop-off the next morning. She parked the car in the lot across
from the school to walk Xiao-Xing in. Xiao-Xing asked her, “Wouldn’t it be cool
if Princess Amidala could call on the Jedi masters to remove any forces from
the dark side that are in my house?”
Aunt Katie shut the door of
her VW and turned around to face Xiao-Xing. “Your house will always be happy,
and you will always be loved.” Then Katie smiled and waved her hands and said
“Xiao- Xing!” Katie helped her from the car seat, and she walked Xiao-Xing into
school.
Mary Lynn was standing by the door when they
reached the classroom and asked, “Where’s your mom?”
Xiao-Xing told her, “She let
me spend the night with Katie for fun.”
“Are you sure? Maybe she
didn’t want you there.”
Xiao-Xing watched Katie as
she bent down to Mary Lynn.
“Listen, Xiao-Xing is so much
fun. She never says hateful things, only fun and imaginative stuff. I like
those kinds of people. Anyway, I had to beg her mom to let her stay with me. Xiao-Xing
and I had a wild night, we like to dance and party; you know? So, not too many
questions today, okay?” Then Katie winked at Xiao-Xing. Xiao-Xing had to curl
her lips in over teeth a take a long deep breath so she wouldn’t laugh because
she was sure if she started it would be hard to stop.
When the class started and
they were told to sit at their desk, Mary Lynn turned around to Xiao-Xing and
said, “Hey, Zowi-Ziiiing, your aunt has purple hair. She looks kooky, but then
she’s not really your aunt.”
“You don’t know anything.
Like, you don’t know my name is really magic, and if you use it wrong, it can
backfire.”
Xiao-Xing could feel it. The
force was with her. She was going to use it to shut that Mary Lynn’s mouth once
and for all.
Mrs. Jenkins passed out
worksheets. Xiao-Xing liked language arts. She led her pencil across the dotted
lines of the word mailbox; it’s a compound word, like Skywalker. The force
runs strong in my family, my family. It doesn’t matter if you come from
different countries, what matters is what you decide. You can even be from
different planets, but, you’re still family.
The next day, when everyone
sat in the floor crisscross applesauce and Mrs. Jenkins was reading a story,
Xiao-Xing heard a woman yelling in the hall, “She’s my daughter; I’ll do what
the hell I want.”
The woman came into the class
and stumbled. Something was wrong with her. She was swaying like she’d been
spinning really fast.
The woman said, “Mary Lynn
come on. That son of bitch didn’t pay the rent. We’re outta’ here; we’re
going.”
Xiao-Xing had never seen Mary
Lynn look so scared. Mary Lynn’s hands were shaking when she stood up slowly
and walked toward the woman. Principal Martinez came in and told Mrs. Jenkins,
“Laila, take the kids outside.” Mrs. Jenkins stood and said, “Okay, we’re going
to take a break for a nature walk. Remember, this week we’re looking for
conifers. Do you remember what that means?”
As they headed out the door
Xiao-Xing looked on as Principal Martinez was telling the woman she’d have to
come to the office to sign Mary Lynn out, but the lady said, “This is my
daughter. I don’t have to sign nothing,” and the lady fell into Mrs. Jenkins’s
desk.
Xiao-Xing rubbed her sweaty
palms down her flowered pants. Mary Lynn has a sick mom.
Miss Everett said, “Okay
everybody, outside we go.”
They were standing on the
playground, and Mrs. Jenkins was saying something about spruce trees and birds
when the police pulled up. It was the parent policed, Xiao-Xing just knew it.
She had used the force, and she had caused them to come. It’s not funny like
she thought it would be. It’s like Yoda says, “When you look at the dark
side, careful you must be, for the dark side looks back.” I didn’t mean. I take
it back.
Xiao-Xing’s mother stepped
into the office. The lady behind the desk said, “Thanks for coming. She was
really upset about all this.” Xiao-Xing started crying again the minute she saw
her mother. Xiao-Xing could see the nosy lady was staring, but she didn’t care.
“It’s all my fault.”
“No, baby, it isn’t. You are
good to the core. Nothing that has happened is your fault. Come on, let’s go
home and talk.
They sat on the couch, and
Xiao-Xing’s mother put her arms around her and said that the police would get
help for Mary Lynn’s mom, and that Mary Lynn would probably be happier. Her
mother kissed her forehead and said, “Your dad is feeling better, and his blood
test showed that he is getting better. He’s taking a shower, and he’s
going to watch a movie with you.”
Xiao-Xing clapped and then
hugged her mom and said, “I like it when we’re all together.”
“I liked that too, but it’s
just for a while, okay. Listen, Aunt Katie asked if you could stay with her
again tonight. She wants you to help her make cookies and watch Lilo and
Stich.”
“Why can’t she stay here? We
can make cookies here.”
“Because I’m taking Daddy to
a doctor’s appointment early in the morning, the same time you have to be at
school, so Katie will take you to school before she goes to work.”
The doorbell rang, and
Xiao-Xing followed her mom to the front door.
Aunt Katie bounced in and
said “Hey, Xingy-pop. I’m gonna take you to roller skate tonight. So let’s find
you something sparkly to wear.”
Xiao-Xing’s mom said, “Come
on in, Katie. We’re watching a movie and David and I have something to show
Xiao-Xing, and you might like to see it too.”
They followed Xiao-Xing’s mom
into her studio. Her mom pulled out a big book with glittered words on the
cover and a copy Xiao-Xing’s baby picture, and it had been colored. Her mom
called through the house, “David, you ready?”
Xiao-Xing heard her dad call,
“Yeah, I’m putting shoes on.”
His voice sounded normal, not
weak or cracked like sometimes after chemo.
Her mother clutched the big
book. “Let’s go sit on the couch.”
Xiao-Xing sat between her mom
and dad, and Katie sat the sofa arm. Her mom put the big book across
Xiao-Xing’s lap and said, “It isn’t finished, but I thought you should see it.
It’s not really pictures. It’s drawings I’ve made. This is how we imagined you
when we were waiting to go get you.”
Xiao-Xing opened the album.
The first sketch was a baby Xiao-Xing on her belly
looking up. The next one was baby Xiao-Xing laying back with a little purple
bunny tucked under her arm, and her mom pointed to the lavender glittery words
and asked, “Can you read that?” Xiao-Xing sounded out Snuggle Bunny.
The next drawing was baby
Xiao-Xing in a little tub and a woman with straight black hair and lotus petal
eyes pouring water from a cup over baby Xiao-Xing’s shoulders and smiling at
the baby. Xiao-Xing’s mom tucked a string of hair behind Xiao-Xing’s ear and
said, “It couldn’t have been easy for your birth mother to let you go. That’s
why she pined the note with your special name. So, I put her in your book.”
Xiao-Xing’s dad bent down to
take a closer look, and said, “I bet she’s related to Princess Amidala.”
Xiao-Xing smiled at her dad. He had color in his face. She looked back at the
picture and ran her fingers over the image of her birth mom, and said, “Maybe
she is, dad.”
Xiao-Xing turned the page a saw a drawing
where Xiao-Xing’s mother is holding the baby Xiao-Xing, and her dad is sitting
beside her, and they are both smiling at the baby. Xiao-Xing looked at the baby’s
eyes; she could see it now. Those eyes are really lovely.
Her mom made tickling strokes
on Xiao-Xing arm. “Do you like it, honey?”
“Yes, I love it.”
Her mom said, “I’ve been
thinking about the year we waited for you, and how excited we were, and the
pictures that were in my mind. I thought you should know.”
Xiao-Xing looked back at the
picture on the cover and sounded out the words: “Our Beautiful Daughter,
Xiao-Xing,”
And it took a minute to sound out the words beneath the picture “Morning Star: Dawn of
Knowledge - Faithful Love”
No doubt about it, the force
is with us all.
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